59 Things

Via fellow Texan, Rightwingsparkle, here are some of the 59 things a man over 30 shouldn't do. The complete list of 59 is here.

I just recently turned 38, and have bolded the ones that I have, in fact, done:

• Coin his own nickname.
• Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.
• Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.
• Hacky sack.
• Hang art with tape. (only in the kids' rooms)
• Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"
• Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"
• Skip. (with my daughter)
• Take a camera to a nude beach.
• Let his father do his taxes.
• Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?" (but only in the privacy of my car)
• Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.
• Name pets after Middle Earth characters.
• Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.
• Give shout-outs.
• Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit
• Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant. (Who hasn't?)
• Request extra sprinkles.
• Air drum. (Who can listen to Tom Sawyer or YYZ and not?)
• Choose 69 as his jersey number
• Eat Oreo cookies in stages. (Oh, yeah, baby. And make your own double-and triple stuffs).
• End a conversation with "later skater."
• Hold his lighter up at a concert.
• Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.
• Propose via stadium Jumbotron.
• Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.
• Call "shotgun" before getting in a car. (?)
• Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On." (I get the feeling the author of this list likes to sip wine coolers while admiring the new window treatments, if you catch my drift... not that there's anything wrong with it...)
• Purchase fireworks.
• Google the word vagina.
• Ride a pony.
• Sport an ironic mustache.
• Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.
• Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it
• Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.
• The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.
• Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.
• Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.
• Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."
• Own a vanity plate.
• Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

Not bad, I guess.